Schmoopy – a state of mind or being?
Posted by Toni Johnson on Sunday Feb 14, 2010Under Toni, aging, being single, humor, musings Tags: alone, chocolate, lonely
Hello. My name is Toni and I am a chocoholic. That has nothing to do with it being Valentine’s Day or my topic for today; I just really needed to get that off my chest. I LOVE chocolate. There, I said it! I feel so much better now – thank you!
No, my topic isn’t nearly as mundane as some delicious chocolate – not that chocolate, good or bad, could ever be mundane. And really, bad chocolate? No, I don’t think so. No, my topic has everything to do with my latest haircut. Well, not exactly the haircut itself, but the topic of conversation with my stylist as she was cutting my hair.
I’ve only been going to her a few times, so we are still in the getting to know you stage. Miss S is soft-spoken, gorgeous, Hispanic, and with a fairly thick accent to her excellent English, so conversations are a bit of a strain for me. Yes, I’m definitely of that certain age and my hearing is starting to deteriorate, especially if there is a lot of background noise (such as the noise from a blow-dryer and a curling iron…oh, wait…curling irons don’t make any noise – it would be the stylist chatting away that is holding said curling iron). Also, if Miss S is standing by my right ear the problem is compounded – it suffered from my high school years riding in the passenger seat of our family’s pickup with the window down during the heat of summer – you know, all that wind blowing at 60 mph creates a lot of noise in your ear. My hearing issues, combined with Miss S’s soft-spoken accent, means I have to work hard to hear what is being said.
We had talked previously about my being single and my sons being adults and living on opposite sides of the state. This time she asked if I had any other family living close by. I told her no, my mom lives in Colorado, and she said “I’m sorry you’re lonely.” “I’m sorry?” I said. I wanted to make sure I didn’t misunderstand her – see paragraph above. I didn’t. Hey! I’m not lonely! Most of the time! I have two dogs…and a cat – they make sure I have all the company and love that I could possibly need.
Since when does being “alone” equate to being “lonely”? It doesn’t, but many people don’t see it that way. I’m here to tell you that I have been lonelier in the midst of a crowd than I ever have been when all by myself at home. Maybe it was just one of the many nuances of the English language that she didn’t fully grasp, but the assumption that because I was alone I must be lonely kind of irritated me, quite frankly.
I grew up as an only child and when people find that out they usually feel sorry for me, assuming I was a lonely little girl. I wasn’t. I had plenty of friends with whom I played and when there were no friends about, I was absorbed in drawing pictures of horses and elephants or I had my head in a book, lost in the characters who became my friends – solving mysteries right alongside the Hardy boys and Nancy Drew or racing on the back of the Black Stallion. I could do either activity for hours at a time and be perfectly content. I’m the same way today, although I’ve since graduated from Nancy Drew to John Grisham and James Patterson, and from crayons to camera.
Do I wish I had someone present in my life with whom I can share things, go to movies, cuddle up with on the couch? Yes, of course – I don’t think very many people would answer that they honestly prefer being alone. But, and this is a big “but”, I am perfectly content in being alone. I would far rather be alone than be in a relationship with Mr. Wrong. Besides, I can always cuddle up on the couch with my dogs. They don’t hog the remote…or eat my chocolate.
Lonely is a state of mind. Alone is a state of being.
And you thought you were going to get some schmoopy Valentine’s Day post, didn’t you??
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February 14th, 2010 at 12:30 am
As a single chocoholic woman of a certain age, I say thank you and Bravo!!
February 14th, 2010 at 3:04 am
“Lonely is a state of mind. Alone is a state of being”. yes yes yes, that is so right. i was alone for a long time, i travelled on my own, i had adventures on my own, i went through my 20s largely alone. but not lonely, rarely lonely. big difference. sure there were times when i would have liked to share, but that was the way of it…no regrets. i met someone in my 30s, my mr right, but you know what…we still walk our own paths, together but separate…parallel. i am my own whole, not one half of another’s half…if you know what i mean. i remember someone telling me that, actually my first love – he was much much older than me, and of course it didn’t last…but i’ve always remembered that comment… be your own whole, not a half of another. that is so true. lifting a glass to you today toni, and your wonderful menagerie of animals…mine are all asleep around my feet, including the duck. happy i’m home after a week away…me too
February 14th, 2010 at 4:54 am
Alone..but not lonely. It’s perfect!!! Inspirational words to live by. And – love that image of that box of chocolates!! Too good to share –
February 14th, 2010 at 7:51 am
Hi Toni! As a man of a certain age… I understand your POV too. There was a time, roughly from age 27-30 when I decided to not date or be in a relationship and to just have fun with Life and friends and family…it really made me focus inward and understand who I was and what I want.
Great post! and don’t you think sometimes that the coconut chocolate is lonely being the only one people don’t eat?
February 14th, 2010 at 7:53 am
i always felt it was so important to teach my children how to spend tim alone. to be happy keeping company with themselves. lonely is a state of mind. a thoughtful post toni.
February 14th, 2010 at 8:11 am
wonderful post, bravo
February 14th, 2010 at 8:30 am
Yes!! As someone who managed to stay single until she was 43 I can tell you that alone is not (always) lonely. A little bit of lonely keeps us from being hermits. Bravo!
February 14th, 2010 at 9:27 am
thanks for a great post. i spent my years between 15 and 50 in a constant state of “relationship” — from dating to serious relationships to marriage — and have since spent the last 10 years single. i’ve found out who i am as a single person, discovered what i want and don’t want in a relationship, and been free to find out who i am at heart. now i’m ready for a real relationship, and i know it will come along when i least expect it. in the meantime, life’s too interesting to be lonely!
February 14th, 2010 at 9:29 am
oops — in my post above i made myself 10 years older than i am. i meant to say “15 to 40…”
February 14th, 2010 at 9:31 am
toni your words are so true…lonely and alone…not the same…oh and I am on board with the first sentence as well
February 14th, 2010 at 11:25 am
Oh, I love it, Toni…all of it! My mom was an only child and ended up having 8 kids of her own. SHE was never lonely…but sometimes I know I was, midst the crowd, because no one understood me. So there you have it. Perfect case study for your text! I do think it’s true that we cannot learn to be in relationship till we first can learn to live alone. How can we love someone else if we haven’t first learned to love ourself! When the time is right, I know you will be so ready to share your life with the right person. In the meantime, enjoy loving who you are, because we do, too!
February 14th, 2010 at 12:00 pm
Good for you! I’ve lived alone for a long time now but only rarely do I ever feel lonely, as I guess that nearly everyone does now and again.
I usually say that I’m content, rather than happy.
Mmm…dark chocolate for me! xx
February 14th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
This post hits close to home. My daughter is an only child. People are always commenting about how selfish I am to choose to have only one child. Even when I send them photos to update them on her growth, they comment about how sorry they feel for her to not have another sibling. She needs no pity and no matter how many siblings one has, one needs to be comfortable being alone. I am glad that you’ve mastered that state of being. Thank you for this post!!!
February 14th, 2010 at 2:02 pm
Hi my name is Frida I’m also a chocoholic
Feeling lonely in a relationship isn’t fun. Being alone is something we choose to be in a relationship or when we are single. A very important subject and a well worth reading post today. Thanks!
February 14th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
Toni, I absolutely understand. I think people who are able to be alone and enjoy themselves are very fortunate. I’m like that, too. I am also an only child and I think that helped me develop my imagination and my extreme love of reading. I also have no children by choice and never will, being a woman of a certain age myself, and my mom lives 2,000 miles away. I am in a relationship but we are apart a lot and also, although we share many things, spend a lot of time to ourselves, developing our own interests. Tony also has no children and no family anywhere near where we live. I know people “pity” me a lot because they think I’m lonely and I’m just not!!!! It makes me mad, too. I’m glad I have the time and desire to photograph, blog, be with friends, do other creative things…And you’re right, a bad relationship is much, much worse than no relationship.
And, haha, to Ken’s question about the lonely coconut chocolate.
February 14th, 2010 at 6:11 pm
I love coconut chocolate! That’s what I eat first! You are brave Toni and I think brave people are less lonely. Although I am “social” by nature, I find it refreshingly peaceful when everyone in my house is gone and I am left to my own devices. It’s a wonderful feeling.
February 14th, 2010 at 9:50 pm
Very, very rarely am I lonely when I am alone. As a matter of fact, I crave alone time. So wise of you to point out the difference between lonely and alone.
Oh, and I can do without the chocolate…..but can’t do without the wine! *giggle*
February 14th, 2010 at 10:59 pm
I am also one who enjoys my solitude. For a long time I felt that there was something wrong with me but I’ve come to see that, on the contrary, my ability to be alone allows me to navigate the relationships I do enter into from a position of strength rather than from neediness or desperation. Excellent post. Thank you!
February 15th, 2010 at 2:30 am
I am not lonely,
but it was a delight to find your blog.
Often wondered where did you disappear.
February 15th, 2010 at 9:02 am
i like to be alone; but not for long. never for long.
February 15th, 2010 at 10:16 am
I’m back! I see that you and I have more in common than I originally thought. We’re both an only-child and spent a lot of similar time in our youth. Boy do I hear you about alone not equating to lonely. My husband and I can no longer travel together because of the dogs so we take separate vacations. Most people either think we don’t get along (which couldn’t be further from the truth) or that our ‘alone’ vacations must be so lonely. On the contrary! I can do whatever my heart desires and see whatever I please — I love it and am never lonely :~)
February 15th, 2010 at 11:46 am
I like the picture, love the chocolate, and thoroughly enjoyed your comment today. I like your distinction between alone and being lonely. I’m in the same “club” as you except I have no dogs or cat right now.
A fine, thoughtful post!
February 15th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
Indeed, big distinctions between alone vs. lonely. I often prefer to be alone, relishing in the quiet solitude. Everything you said is spot on. Including there is no bad chocolate, lol.
February 15th, 2010 at 2:05 pm
How did you train the dogs not to eat chocolates? 20+ years of selling flowers on Valentines day, knocked any romantic notions about February 14th out of me!
February 15th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
Great thoughts. I always tell my single friends that you are not prepared to meet up with the right person, until you are comfortable on your own. And dang nice pic btw, love how you subtly incorporated the heart shape.
February 17th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
I am glad I am not the only one irritated by these comments. I get this sort of thing said to me a lot because I am single. I am not lonely, I don’t need people trying to match make me. I am capable of finding someone if I wanted to. I am the happiest I have ever been content with what I have.
Being alone is completely different to being lonely, and I think only where you experience your own company for prolonged periods of time do you truly comprehend this.
OK I’m going to eat this try of chocolate now.